Ever wonder what a traveling band of reactionary jackasses look like? Wonder no more.

Words by Hungry Girl

Well, it’s official: Eau Claire is not perfect. We had our first indisputably negative experience in Eau Claire on Sunday. In fairness, it wasn’t actually in Eau Claire, but, nearby, in Chippewa Falls. Also, it was the result of the traveling band of reactionary jackasses known as the Renaissance Faire.

I know, I know, we went to the Renaissance Faire. What were we expecting? Well, let me tell you: turkey legs, fake jousting, bad theater, and a hearty dose of milady-ing. I knew we’d need alcohol (excuse me: mead and ale) to make it through, but I thought there would be some good, albeit ironic, fun to be had. Also, I won the tickets through a trivia contest hosted on Facebook by Volume One and was kind of proud of my awesome accomplishment. What could possibly go wrong?

Two words: the Magician.

Enter: the magician. Yes, that's really him.

The magician’s tent was our first stop, mainly because they were selling beer. (Sidenote: I am not digging the fact that Leinenkugel’s is everywhere here. I get that it’s local. But, come on: it sucks. Trust me, I’m from Pittsburgh and I know sucky local beer).

As soon as The Noiseboy got a beer, the magician started heckling him. You might think this would be funny. (I did.) But it got real bad, real quick. It had something to do with Doug’s shorts, which were, admittedly, plaid and J.Crew. [ed note: The hell they were. I would never shop at such a gay store. They were from Old Navy!) But within about 20 seconds he was calling The Noiseboy a homosexual and the crowd began laughing, some uncomfortably. I got to be part of the act too. “Oh, I get it,” he said, “The little lady dresses you. She wants to make sure you don’t get laid by anyone else.” “You don’t have to worry,” he said, “he only likes men.”

The Noiseboy only likes men ... like this guy!

Ah, bawdy humor! As the show continued, there were tons of ethnic slurs to go along with the sexism and homophobia. During our short visit, I also got called “the ball and chain” not once, but twice! You really get your money’s worth at the Renaissance Faire!

Seriously, though, what happened to the Renaissance Faire? When did it become a bastion of conservative resentment?

These are not the times of yore I was promised.

—

Words by The Noiseboy

The magician was not funny or magical.